love

i asked armel the other day:

"do you love me?"

i had no idea what to expect really. he isn't the type of person who grew up in a very physically affectionate family, or even a family that says "i love you" to each other. so what was i to expect from this affection deprived man?

this:

pause. then: "i don't know."

i'm not quite sure what that is supposed to mean. it's a chicken answer for sure. it could mean either:

"i do love you but i don't want to admit it to you or myself because i am afraid of getting hurt by putting myself out there."

OR

"i don't love you. i just really like you but i don't want to disappoint you by not saying 'no'."

armel. you drive me crazy. we've been with each other for years, and how can you not know if you love me or not?

then he asks: "what does that even mean?" so i had to think to myself...what do i mean when i say i love someone? well, it's different for different relationships. but for armel, i guess it means, "i care about you. i care about what you need and i want you to have what you want. and i will even make sacrifices for you in order for you to get what you need or what you want so that you can be happy for as long as i live."

and i feel like, in a real, strong, and healthy relationship, if each person loves the other person, that this 2-way relationship will be fulfilling for each. but sometimes...i feel like i'm the one picking up all of the slack. i feel like armel is a 1-way street and only opens the 2-way lanes whenever he is in a good mood. doesn't seem fair, does it? so why do i stay?

good question.

years later

dear diary,

so it's been years since i've written in you. i looked back on those two entries and all i could do was shake my head and laugh. i had such a big thing for armel back in middle school, and believe it or not...i still do now. actually we're together now. yup. 8 years later here we are dating...i think.

it's been such a roller coaster with him. on again. off again. on again. off. ok. so maybe it's not so much a roller coaster rather than a light switch.

he didn't end up asking me to the dance, but we did both end up going. he actually didn't ask anyone. not even "skanky" joslyn, who actually is one of my best friends now, surprisingly. we ended up setting aside our differences (or rather i quit being jealous of her curly brown hair) and hung out more in high school. armel still doesn't like her hair though.

i don't know what it is about him, but i just can't seem to let him go. it's like i'm addicted to him or something. like, i know my relationship with him isn't nourishing me or whatever, but it is satisfying. i'm not talking "satisfying" in a sexual way either. i mean. we grew up together and so we really know each other but, even so, we both come from such different backgrounds that it's hard to meet in the middle a lot of the times.

i dunno. sometimes i wonder, even though we're only 21, if this is going to last forever, or if one of us will end up snapping and eventually killing the other. hahahaha....hmm..

anyways, he's about to be here to hang out, so i better sign off.

love,

aminira

armel

dear diary,

remember that guy armel that i was talking about yesterday? well, he told josh who told my friend lacy that he doesn't want to go to the dance!!! :-O !!!! what am i going to do?????? i can't go to the dance with my friends AGAIN!!!! i felt so lame last time and i'm pretty sure that i will feel even more lame if i go with my friends AGAIN!!!! i'm just not gonna go. my sister karin said that no one will care, but i know they will. she just wants me to be out of the house friday night so that she can be alone with her boyfrieeeeeend, carl. gross. who names their kids carl?????? seriously!!

i hope joslyn doesn't get a date either. then she could be the laughing stock of the middle school. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! that would be so funny.

love,

aminira

skanks with curly hair

dear diary,

school. freakin'. SUCKS!!!!!!!

my mom tells me not to use the word freakin'. she says its a bad word, but i don't think it is. i think the OTHER word that it's in place of is a bad word so they can't both be bad words if one is being used in place of the other because it's a bad word, right?

anyways. 2day that skank joslyn decided she was going to try and get armel to go to the dance with her!!! what a slut!!! she totally knows that I'VE been trying to get him to ask me for the longest time and then she decides to take her little skinny butt and had the freakin' nerve to sit next to him at lunch!!! you see what i mean? SLUT!!!!!! S-L-U-T. my mom says that's a bad word, too, but whatever. idc. she totally deserves it.

ugh.

anyways...my friend mandy says that her friend josh, who is friends with armel says that armel doesn't like joslyn because he thinks her hair is too curly but i don't really believe him because who would ever hate such beautiful brown curly hair?? i wish mine was like that sometimes...but i wouldn't want joslyn's skank curly hair. gross.

my mom is calling me for dinner. we're having fish sticks tonight. really mom??? kill me now.

bleh,

aminira