i asked armel the other day:
"do you love me?"
i had no idea what to expect really. he isn't the type of person who grew up in a very physically affectionate family, or even a family that says "i love you" to each other. so what was i to expect from this affection deprived man?
this:
pause. then: "i don't know."
i'm not quite sure what that is supposed to mean. it's a chicken answer for sure. it could mean either:
"i do love you but i don't want to admit it to you or myself because i am afraid of getting hurt by putting myself out there."
OR
"i don't love you. i just really like you but i don't want to disappoint you by not saying 'no'."
armel. you drive me crazy. we've been with each other for years, and how can you not know if you love me or not?
then he asks: "what does that even mean?" so i had to think to myself...what do i mean when i say i love someone? well, it's different for different relationships. but for armel, i guess it means, "i care about you. i care about what you need and i want you to have what you want. and i will even make sacrifices for you in order for you to get what you need or what you want so that you can be happy for as long as i live."
and i feel like, in a real, strong, and healthy relationship, if each person loves the other person, that this 2-way relationship will be fulfilling for each. but sometimes...i feel like i'm the one picking up all of the slack. i feel like armel is a 1-way street and only opens the 2-way lanes whenever he is in a good mood. doesn't seem fair, does it? so why do i stay?
good question.
